


Decaf is the Devil's Blend

by pikasafire



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-03
Updated: 2011-04-03
Packaged: 2017-10-21 23:44:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pikasafire/pseuds/pikasafire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank turns into a cup of coffee. This is a dangerous thing to happen around the Ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decaf is the Devil's Blend

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N** : This is entirely the fault of [](http://why-am-i.livejournal.com/profile)[**why_am_i**](http://why-am-i.livejournal.com/) . I don’t even remember how the idea for this came about. Something tells me too much coffee and ridiculousness were probably involved. It is clearly dangerous to stick us in the same room for too long. <3

  
There’s a hot cup of coffee on the table when Mikey shuffles in. He frowns at it. He doesn’t recognise the whorls and swirls of the cup as being from any coffee place he knows, but coffee is coffee and he can see the steam rising invitingly from the top.

He picks it up, warming his cold hands on the cup, inhales deeply and brings the lip to his mouth.

“OH MY GOD, Mikey! NO!”

Mikey jumps, manages not to spill coffee all down his front, scowls as Gerard snatches the cup from his hands and cradles it close to his chest.

“If you don’t want your coffee to be messed with, don’t leave it unattended,” he bitches, heading to the coffee maker to make his own, “anyone could’ve put date-rape drugs in it.”

“In my coffee?”

Mikey shrugs, it’s too fucking early. “Whatever.”

“It’s not coffee. It’s _Frank._ ”

“Frank shouldn’t leave his coffee unattended then.”

“No, Mikey. The coffee. It _is_ Frank.”

Mikey sighs, “Have you been reading that existentialist bullshit again? For fucks sake, Gee.” He turns, waiting for the coffee to percolate, eyes his brother closely. “…you’re serious? Oh my god, you actually believe this.”

“It’s _true_. I can’t believe you think I’m hallucinating.” Gerard looks ridiculously affronted, considering he’s clutching a cup of coffee he’s claiming to be their guitarist.

“It’s definitely too early to deal with this.” Mikey mutters, pouring himself his own mug of coffee. “Gerard, sit down. Let’s talk about this …rationally.”

  
*

  
Mikey was willing to admit a few things were weird about this, despite the fact his brother claims that Frank has morphed into coffee. _Coffee._

The markings on the cup _are_ remarkably similar to Frank’s bird tattoos. And he’s hot. _The liquid is hot,_ Mikey amends in his head; the coffee itself continues to steam, hours after a normal mug would have gone stone cold.

And it’s not like it’s the weirdest thing to happen… if Pete’s stories are to believed, anyway. Mikey doesn’t know what the fuck to do, so he sits at the small table with Gerard, staring into space, trying to think of reasons why, _how_ it could have happened.

His fingers curl unconsciously around a warm mug, lifting it to his mouth.

“Mikey! Stop trying to drink Frank!”

“I’m sorry! It’s unconscious! There’s hot coffee in the room, I’m hardwired to drink it, alright. _You_ keep a better eye on him!”

“I shouldn’t have to guard you from _drinking our friend._ ”

“He’s a cup of _coffee._ ”

Ray steps through the doorway of the bus and freezes. “Am I interrupting something?”

Mikey sighs, “time for a band meeting.”

  
*

“Where’s Frank?”

Mikey lets his head fall to the kitchen table with a thud, heedless of the mysterious stickiness now sticking his forehead to the wood, listening as Gerard earnestly explains to Bob and Ray that their guitarist is a giant cup of coffee.

There’s an uncomfortable silence.

“Um. Oooookay.”

“So. Now what?” Ray says, apparently completely accepting of this fucked up theory. Mikey groans. He really, really needs more coffee.

  
*

  
“ … and then we’ll – guys! Are you even listening to me?!”

Gerard clutches Frank closely, glaring at Mikey from across the table. Ray reaches out, subtly rearranging the mug to ensure that Frank’s insides don’t go dribbling all over the floor, because really, the floor is disgusting enough as it is.

“Mikey! Stop _staring_ at him.”

“He’s a _cup of coffee_ I’m _allowed_ to be weirded out!”

“That’s not your ‘weirded out’ look.” Gerard points out, “that’s your ‘I want coffee’ face.”

“Look,” Bob says delicately, “maybe Frank should sit in another room.”

“No way! He should be here for this.” Gerard places Frank back in the middle of the table. “Mikey just has to stop staring at him like he wants to suck out his insides.”

Mikey for the most part just looks horrified, “okay, one? EW. Two, he’s a _cup of coffee_ Why is no one else freaked the fuck out? How is a cup of coffee going to play guitar!?”

“I was just _talking_ about that,” Ray complains. “I can totally-“

“You only want him for his body,” Gerard snipes, ignoring Ray completely, eyes softening as he stares at the cup longingly, “his warm, sweet, comforting… caffeinated body.”

“Riiiiight,” Bob says slowly, trying to move Frank as far away as he can from both Way brothers.

“Maybe one of us _should_ drink him.” Ray volunteers suddenly, eyes wide as everyone turns and stares at him in horror.

“That’s _cannibalism_ ”

“Drink _Frankie_?” Gerard squeaks.

“Fuck, I need more coffee,” Mikey groans.

Ray shrugs, pushes his own mug over to Mikey, “Look, I don’t know what _else_ to do. Maybe it’s some… I don’t know, mythical prince shit, or something. Gerard, this is _your_ area of expertise.

“You want me to _drink_ Frank.”

“Just… I don’t know, take a sip? Maybe it’s like, y’know, that fairy-tale shit where the frog turns into a prince when he gets a kiss. And that fucked up anime shit Mikey watches.” Said like that, it almost sounds reasonable.

“But! What if I … drink his arm or something!? He’ll never play guitar again!”

Mikey lets his head fall back to the table with a thud. “This isn’t happening,” he tells the wood, thunking his head down again once more for good measure. “My brother is a nutcase.”

“Maybe,” Bob speaks up and Mikey’s almost hopeful it’ll be the voice of reason, “Maybe the _cup_ is Frank and we need to just like, get rid of the coffee, or something.”

“Or it’s a twisted way to seduce you,” Mikey tells Gerard, deadpan. “Frank knows you cant resist coffee.” How is this even his life?

Gerard stares at him suspiciously, like he’s afraid Mikey’s mocking him. Mikey stares back, poker face perfect.

“Come _on_ , Gerard,’ Ray says after a few minutes of silent battle between the Way brothers.

“Give me a moment,’ Gerard snaps, “It’s a big deal, okay. I’m about to _drink Frank_.”

“That’s… the most disturbing thing I’ve heard all day,” Mikey sighs, running his palsmover his face, “can we just get this over and done with?”

  
*

~TEN MINUTES LATER~

  
The band sits, all staring at the empty coffee cup, looking bare and bereft in the centre of the sticky table.

“Um. Now what?” Ray says, eyes wide. “I mean, Frank’s _gone."_

They look at each other awkwardly.

“Oh my _God_ ” Gerard wails, “I just _drank_ our _guitarist!_ ”

“But-” Ray says, voice panicky. “We need him.”

“I’m supposed to be _vegetarian!_ ” Gerard continues, waving his hands dramatically.

Even Bob’s looking a little weirded out.

The door opens behind them.

“Uh. Did I miss something?” Frank asks, standing in the doorway, frowning. “I bought coffee from Starbucks. Our coffee maker is shit.”

“Frankie! Frank!” Gerard launches himself across the room and hugs him fiercely, burrowing his face in Frank’s neck. “I am _so_ glad I didn’t drink you. You’re _not_ a cup of coffee!”

“”It’s – I. What?” Frank pats Gerard awkwardly on the shoulder, eyeing how Mikey slumps in his chair longsuffering, and Bob and Ray stare back at him with a mix of embarrassment and happiness to see him.

“Yeah. Alright.” Frank says, squirming away from Gerard’s death grip. “You know what, you’re all switching to decaf.”

*

END

Yeah. I know. My return to bandom, and this is what I have to offer? Sorry! :p


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